Sir Giles
by 4plato
Summary: A friend of mine who is a huge Fry/Laurie fan asked me to write some some scenes for House featuring Stephen as a guest star. This is the final scene, written in script form.


Stephen Fry appears as Sir Giles Nielson, an internationally respected, openly homosexual Shakespearean actor. Since I do not have the medical knowledge to write the 'mystery' part, the best I can do is say that it was cancer related and Wilson was very involved in the whole episode. This will be one of the few times House is not the most interesting man in the room. He is, however, the object of Sir Giles' attention. An example of that would be when House is standing beside his hospital bed, trying to explain something to Foreman, Chase and Taub who can barely keep from laughing out loud. Finally, House looks down to see Sir Giles is laying back in bed, a huge smile on his face as he is stroking House's cane. And, naturally, the first time Sir Giles sees House and Wilson together, he makes the assumption that they are a couple especially after he learns they are sharing an apartment ...

This is the final scene:

(Wilson's office. He is at his desk writing. The door opens and House peaks in)

House: "Good, you're here. Sir Giles just wanted to stop in and say good bye."

(Wilson puts down his pen but it is obvious he is not happy with the interruption, but puts on a strained smile. Sir Giles comes into the office and sits down on the couch.)

Sir Giles: "Yes, dear boy, Just wanted to say thank you again. And, to be honest, to set your mind at ease and clear my painfully battered conscience. You see, I know I 'm a terrible flirt, but, please, you mustn't take me seriously. For all my nonsense, I have managed somehow to stay true to my dear Collin for these thirty some years. Oh, not in my heart or in my mind, no there I've strayed often enough. The last time being, of course, with your marvelous Greg."

Wilson: "He is not..."

(Sir Giles continues as if Wilson had not said anything.)

Sir Giles: "And to confirm this I would encourage you this evening after a good meal and an embarrassingly expensive bottle of wine, which I have provided by the way, to examine slowly and provocatively every naked inch of his tall, lean and appropriately tanned body. I assure you, you will find no finger prints but your own. And as you search every nook and cranny..."

(He suddenly stops. He has finally noticed how uncomfortable his little speech is making both House, who is staring out the window, and Wilson who is looking down at his desk grimacing)

Sir Giles: "Good heavens, you were serious, weren't you Gregory. You two haven't consummated..."

(Wilson throws down his pen and staresvat House almost begging him to make Sir Giles stop)

Sir Giles: " Well, You can certainly understand my surprise. In the hospital room you two only had eyes for each other. Greg would make a silly little attempt at humor and then check to see if you (he nods at Wilson) were smiling and of course you always were. And if he didn't check right away, you would hold that goofy little boyish grin until he did. Not to imply the grin isn't fetching, it has its charms."

(House is now looking at Sir Giles with something akin to admiration, Wilson's still squirming)

Sir Giles: "And now, at the mere mention of nudity, you two are acting like you aren't even in the same room. Which must be difficult since it appears you are both living in the same closet."

(House is repressing a smile, Wilson is looking around the room as if he is lost)

Sir Giles: "Oh how I envy you. The marvelous times you have ahead of you. What I wouldn't give to be a fly on that wall."

(Just as Wilson turns to House with an almost threatening look, the door opens and a portly gentleman pokes his head in)

Collin: "Thought I heard you in here."

Sir Giles: " Oh, Collin, my dear, let me introduce you to the doctors who saved me. Dr. Gregory and Dr.  
James. They are the most delightful unconsummated couple. You know, I just had the most wonderful idea. Collin is such a whiz at that computer stuff, I bet he could set you up with a camera in your bedroom, might be inspirational. They wouldn't have to broadcast it, would they? They seem a bit shy and..."

(Collin cuts him off, smiles at Wilson)

Collin: "That's quite enough. You'll overstay your welcome again. Come on, now. Let's go home."

(He takes Sir Giles by the arm and they start toward the door, but Sir Giles stops, looks back )

Sir Giles: " Most people will tell you that the three most endearing words in the English language are, "I love you" Not so, "I love you" can be whispered to your wife over the phone as you sit in your mistress's apartment. " I love you "can be said to the waitress bringing you a plate of pancakes just to avoid the tip, Lord knows I've said it often enough. No, the three most romantic words in the English language are those "Let's go home".

(Collin and Sir Giles leave)

Wilson: "Of all the patients you've had he's the one you decide to become friends with"?

House " He's one of the few who didn't get boring just because they got well. Come on he's intelligent, surprising... He was the only person ever to recite Romero and Juliet while having a prostate exam".

Wilson: "Charming. (He begins to relax a little) Well, he was funnier than you are".

House: "Unfair advantage. That accent makes him sound funnier, smarter, sexier "

(Hugh Laurie now begins to speak with his true accent)

"Or maybe it isn't just that the British SEEM that way, maybe they really ARE funnier and smarter and sexier..."

Wilson: "Oh just stop, Nothing is more annoying than a fake British accent."

(long stare from House)

House: "And I learned a lot from him. About Shakespeare, the theater"

Wilson: " You hate the theater, especially Shakespeare".

House: "OK, about life, the people around me."

Wilson: " You hate life. You hate the people around you worse than you hate the theater"

(House stands up and walks to the door then stops, looking back at Wilson)

House: "He taught me to observe things. For instance, we've known each other how long now, twenty years?"

Wilson: " And?'

House: " Until he pointed it out I had never noticed what a great little ass you have."

Wilson : (totally calm) "Fine, How long is this going to go on?"

House: " What?"

Wilson: " The dumb accent, the double ententes, the whole ... "(He is at a loss for words)

House: " I don't know. Until I get bored or something else comes along."

Wilson: " Best guess?"

House: " Two- three weeks tops."

(Wilson stands up and faces House)

Wilson: " You know what. Forget it, Let's just do this thing and get it over."

(Wilson starts motioning with his hands for House to approach him)

Wilson: " Come here and kiss me"

House: " What !?"

Wilson: " I am not listening to this for three weeks so let's just get it done and over with. Come here and kiss me"

House: (suspicious) "Are you serious?"

Wilson: (emphatically) "NO "

(a brief pause)

"Did you want me to be serious?"

House: (just as emphatically) "NO"

Wilson: " Good, then that's done, Now go find someone to cure and I' ll finish the budget."

(House is just standing in the doorway looking at Wilson who is now back at his desk writing frantically .  
After a few seconds)

Wilson: " You're still there, aren't you?"

House: " No. maybe"

(Wilson puts down his pen, sighs, stretches, then gets up and takes his jacket from the back of his chair)

Wilson: " Well, you're not going to let me get anything done so let's"

(he pauses and looks at House who is now grinning)

House: " What ?"

Wilson: (small smile) "Let's go home."

(House holds the door for Wilson, who walks out ahead of House)

Wilson: " Stare at my ass and I'll break your other leg"


End file.
